Today I am Effing 55
Years Old
I honestly cannot believe it. Those of you who are older may
say, “Yeah, get over it kid”, but for those younger, I want to tell you that I
too used to think people this age were OLD. So, in honor of my reaching this
age, here are some thoughts to share. Read if you want, or just consider this
more of my personal documentation and rambling that for some reason I feel the
need to put down somewhere today.
Health...This is
the thing…and why as we get older we talk about it so much. When I was young, I
took it for granted (like most). Then my doctor warned me at 16 that if I kept
eating my Mother’s Nebraska-learned carb and sugar based diet, I’d be
overweight and miserable in a few years. My parents chain smoked in the car and
house (Dad in secret for the last few years). Then my dad died at 42, and my
mom at 62, and my sweet baby sister (2 years younger than me) is in the
hospital right now having her aortic arteries scoped again to stop the heart
attacks. I am not from good stock. I also grew up as a “Rocky Flats Downwinder”
in Westminster, CO. Which means that I grew up breathing and drinking plutonium
(and who knows what else… the governmentally hidden “accidents” are now at
least partially documented and the former nuclear triggers plant has been shut
down), and swimming in it in Standley Lake. We didn’t know… I’ve had thyroid
issues for the last 10 years. My mom died of strange cancers throughout her
body, and my sister has a variety of other unidentifiable health issues. As for
me, I’ve tried vigilantly to move and strengthen my body almost every day, and
to eat a mostly clean diet. Thanks to those things, I’m pretty healthy overall,
of mostly normal weight, and can still mostly move a loaded 14’ raft in the
wind. Let’s hope that continues… Health is the thing that really controls
whether we LIVE or not. It now takes daily maintenance, and I can’t take it for
granted.
Speaking of Toxins…as
a child of the 70’s, I tried most everything. Leary’s famous "Turn on,
tune in, drop out" was a cultural norm when I was growing up, and most of
my friends smoked weed, drank, and tried other things to turn our minds off,
escape, or “have fun”. I’ve never been a big fan of marijuana, but I’m coming
to respect its potential medicinal qualities. I still don’t like to use it much
though, it just makes me feel weird and disconnected. Other drugs were OK, but
they never did it for me either, and I could easily see the downfalls. The big
culturally-accepted toxin in my life has been alcohol. I know this is a touchy subject
with some of you, and many reading this are still under the age-old marketing
spells that teach us that somehow ethanol is helpful in our lives. For me, I eventually
realized that I used it mostly to socially fit in. At 22 I found a group of
what outwardly appeared to be happy, social-able, connected folks, and they
drank together while they did everything. I became part of that group and later
married their leader. I eventually found the dark side of it. I thought it
helped stress and anxiety, but it really only delays it. Most drinkers use it
to shut down the monkey mind at the end of the day. The anxiety rebound effect
can be subtle but debilitating, and most don’t even correlate that with
alcohol. I was always pretty-easily poisoned, and the hangovers were often
horrible even after just a couple of glasses of wine or good beer. I’ve been
alcohol-free now for a while, and life is SO much better. My body and joints
don’t ache anymore all the time. My weight stabilizes in a healthy range easily
and I have a ton more energy when I’m not ingesting it. My blood sugar and
moods are much more even. I’ve spent a good amount of time reading the research
on what this substance really does to us, and I’m happy to share really good
info (if you are interested) that I’ve come across in both academic and
layperson’s terms that has helped me get away from it, and totally removed my
own cognitive dissonance about drinking. As always, I do understand that as
humans, we want to feel better. As humans with means, we learn early to quickly
find and do those things that give a quick fix. Alcohol, food, drugs, sex,
shopping, online seeking, gambling, etc. are all just ways that we try to
quickly increase our dopamine and other feel-good hormones. It’s natural and
primitive. I’m not sure I’ll always make the right choices, but for me, I’m now
at a point of life where I want awareness, energy, and connectedness, not
deadening and poisoning. It’s not quick, but there is an ease that comes with
being mostly toxin-free. No judgement though for those still seeking to quickly
fill the voids. However, I’ve lost several good relationships because of it,
and I’m at a point where I want to fill my life with positive, aware, and
healthy people.
Speaking of husbands…
A couple of years ago in a group of good women, we were sitting around trading
our ideas for the first lines of our auto-biography. Not to spoil the surprise,
but mine came to me as, “I was pretty sure that my sixth husband would be my
last”. Yes, for those who don’t know, I’ve been married six times. They were
all for love, at least partially. I was always “looking for love in all the
wrong places”. They were also for others
reasons, like financial security, having a good man in my life for my son,
and/or because the other person really wanted to be married to me and I
basically thought, “Well, why not?”. My
glorious baby boy was truly the best thing that has ever happened to me, and a
lot of it was trying to make a secure home. Almost ten years ago after #5
crashed out of my life, I sat down and really looked at why I was making those
choices, and what I truly wanted and needed. I realized that I don’t need a man
to be complete or be a good mom, but I do want love in my life. I was tempted
to wallow in embarrassment and shut down my heart, like so many do. Luckily,
shortly thereafter my current and hopefully last husband appeared and burst
right into my life. While I was scared to death to do it again and we have had
our share of issues, knowing myself helped me really know what I want and need in
a relationship. So does good counseling when you realize you are both stuck in
patterns from the past, have made way too many assumptions, and can’t currently
communicate. I’m grateful now that I have a great man, lots of love and support,
and our grown children are taking it forward. I’m 99% sure I’ll never marry again,
but heck, if Kurt died tomorrow, well, I’d probably still be looking for love, I
adore physical intimacy, and I am usually a pretty darn good wife.
Speaking of drives… Here
I am, when many of my friends are thinking about retirement, still driven.
Professionally, I came to my strengths kind of late in life. I spent most of my
20’s running rivers, playing volleyball, hiking, skiing, and looking for love. I
didn’t start full-time in parks and recreation management until my 30’s. I got
my Master’s degree at 36, and my PhD at 54. While I mostly feel now like I have
clue and I’m very happy with my chosen career, I’m still trying to figure out
what my full purpose is here on this earth. Many of you know my professional
paths. I started with a keen interest in re-creation of body, mind, and spirit
at an individual and personal level, then later added my management background
to address those things at a community level. Now I’m drawn to teaching,
writing, and still helping to figure out those things that help professionals
help their communities thrive. I still wake up every day curious. I love my
ability to delve deeper into research, and trying to translate what I find for
the those how don’t have the time or inclination to do so. Turning people on to
those things that help us thrive and connect, and really know our selves and
our bodies, drives my passion. I’ve toyed with running for community leadership
roles, but I’m sure I’d have to spend way too much time in the public realm
just justifying or explaining my past to be able to be effective. So, I’m
driven to create, gather beauty, share music, lead the great minds that have gathered
with me, and put thoughts into words to share. I don’t really see myself ever
“retiring”. I want to push it for as long as my body and mind will allow. I
guess as I’ve gotten older, my drive has shifted from being the doer of the
things, to the leader, to the teacher and documenter. I’m not sure it really
matters if people are interested. I just have the need to put it out there in
the hopes that it may help someone, and it helps me.
So, what I know for
sure right now… Change is still the only constant, every day. The great
teachers such as Deepak, Oprah, Tolle, Singer, Hanh, Hay, Sarno, and so many
others, keep putting it out there for us each day to learn from. I have to keep
reading and listening. In reality, they are all saying pretty much the very
same thing, as do all great spiritual literature and ancient wisdoms in
different languages. Love, connect, and take care of each other and this human
experience we are currently having. I am troubled, as most of you are right
now, by the current authoritarian regimes that seem to be driven by greed and
selfishness. I try to be non-partisan as much as possible, but our current U.S.
Administration is being led by an insecure narcissistic psychopath, who has
proven over and over to be a racist, sexist, misogynistic, greedy, bully. Where
we were previously led by a vision of hope, now we are led by a protectionistic
version of doom and gloom. To gain and keep dictator-like power, the greedy
uncles of the oligarchy support the elected man-child in his 4th
grade vocabulary, as the lies and simple statements are repeated and aired over
and over. It is so easy for those who are busy just trying to put food on their
tables to just believe them. They are pitting those who are educated against
those who have not had that time or inclination. Blame the “other”, and then we
are so busy fighting with each other that we don’t notice they are gathering
our resources and taking advantage of us. The gaps widen.
So, here at the dawn of 55 years old, I don’t claim to have
the answers. I feel like I may know less now than ever. I just have to wake up
each day, keep learning, keep sharing and teaching, and hope that we will
collectively find our way. If you’ve read this far, thank you for listening,
and I’d love to hear your stories too.
